The Man Code
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. A man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be beaten and killed by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are asked by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend or a parent, you are not required to provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murders someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. (Unless you are out of cash).
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by up to 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B*LLSH$T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate in this case is 400%)
7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait at least 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. However, you may complain if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and can be deemed as slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract an ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your duty. Should your good deed result in you having sex with the ugly beast, your friend is forbidden to ever speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission, and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until such time as they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean and chug a beer.
14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see nothin’.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never admit to owning a cat or admit to liking a cat, except to a woman he is trying to score with!
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney or fat friend up with one of your friends, you may give her the go-ahead to do so ONLY if you’ll be able to warn him and give him time to prepare excuses why he can’t go that day.
19. It is permissible to consume a “fruity chick drink” only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … it’s delivered by a topless supermodel … and it’s free.
20. Unless you’re in prison, it is never OK to fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is out numbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump in to help. (Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy really needs is a good ass-whoopin”).
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!”, “C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”, “Another set and we can hit the showers.” ” Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?” This is an action that will cause someone to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. This is also an action that will cause someone to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to the beer in his refrigerator.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response. (After she leaves the room you still have to apologize to you buddy, And he is required to forgive you).
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: AKA. both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. Unlocking a car door for another man is polite. Opening the door is gay.